Monday, October 12, 2015

I read a horrifying article on the Internet today that said that perimenopause lasts for years. It was bad because I had just psyched myself up to endure this crap for about one more week, and only if I really had to. I look like I took a nap in gravel. I will post photos of myself in three to five years, but for now please enjoy my gorgeous offspring and pseudo offspring.

In other news, Lucca is the most humid place on earth and it has weird bugs. This period of the year our apartment is filled with little gnats that love heat. We had to block up the gaps around the electrical outlets with stucco because they like to live in there. I can't watch one minute of Amy Schumer's stand up special or Benedetta Parodi's cooking shows without these little bastards diving into the screen. It is really annoying. They sleep all morning and then when you feel like you have rid your life of them they sneak up on you at two in the afternoon and invite themselves into your teacup or eyeballs. They are like little drunken party goers who you can't get to leave. Ahh the humidity of it all. This week I researched moving to Denmark. I feel like my current state of mind would mesh well with six months of darkness, binge drinking, and oily fish. It is supposed to be the happiest place on earth. They pay you to go to college. You wouldn't have to ask me twice to get paid to go to college for free with tall, blond people.

That's right, in order to improve my accent I have promised myself that I will watch all 60 episodes of Molto Bene, a cooking show where this lady has a cooking laboratory in what she says is her basement. It is of course larger than our entire apartment. She has hair and makeup people and a wardrobe. When she goes shopping for ingredients she always greets the counter people by name and they wink at her and give her the special treatment. Whenever I go shopping for ingredients, if ever, I wait in the store for forty minutes because I don't understand how the line works and then I proceed to forget the metric system. She is very busy cooking for her husband Fabio and her three children, Matilda, Eleonora, and DIego. They are all over six feet tall, even the three year old, and can eat whatever they want, including the slop that she makes. She is the kind of mother that at pick up time would enjoy nothing more than to make you feel inferior. Accent acquisition has its price: mine is unbridled jealousy and a real aversion to people who lick their fingers while they cook.

Enjoy life now, girls. Perimenopause lasts for years.

No, I mean it. It really does.

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