Monday, December 08, 2014

Toddlers and Tiaras
So tonight I went to the teen disco to see my student Andrea in a hip hop battle. The "Baby" category for 12 year olds and under was supposed to start at 6 PM. When F left me off in the parking lot there at 5:45 PM the line was already quite long.

This is my I can't believe I'm doing this face

These are the other crazy people on line.


Everyone wore hats.

I left my winter coat in the car because my goal was not to carry anything inside with me. That was a no-win situation in that I was going to miserable for part of the time either way you cut it. Last thing F said to me was that he recognized Andrea's sister in a gray hat and her short statured father in the line. I couldn't bring to mind what his mother looked like even though I have met her several times so I just started talking to the lady next to them. She was kind of stand-off-ish, but I wasn't too offended. I asked her if she had heard from Andrea and how long he was planning on staying . .. things like that. Finally, the lady turned to me and said that she knew who I was from when I worked at the fancy gym, but that she believe that I had no idea who she was. This turned out to be true. The father and sister did nothing to intervene or make things better --  the whole time.

I was a bit distracted,  thinking about the fact that this afternoon I had sent a link to the show The Girlfriend's Guide to Divorce to my friend who has separated from her husband and who has a great sense of humor. I thought she might enjoy herself some Janeane Garofalo as much as I do. She wrote me back and asked her if i had really meant to send her the link. Of course I panicked. Maybe she didn't like it. Nope, that wasn't it. It turned out that I had inadvertantly sent her a link to a porno site by accident.

There were only two people taking tickets in the end. They were being really casual about the whole thing. After you bought your ticket they every so slowly gave you not one but two sheets of office paper, one red and one yellow. It turned out that you had to hold up the right color for the team of little people that you wanted to vote for. I would have voted for Andrea, but I never got the chance because his team didn't make it to the battle round. I refused to vote for the others because the other mothers and siblings around me were violently rooting for their kids and I didn't know how any close their mafia ties were or anything.

Andrea is 89, blurry, but 89



The music was really horrendous. They had these little sideways hat, varsity letter jacket, high-top wearing hip-hopsters lip syncing to lyrics like "lick my four letter word" and "another name for cat" and "rhymes with American itch" and other atrocities. I wanted to shake all of the parents and say, "Get a bilingual dictionary, people!"

There was almost a riot. At one of the most obscene lyrics, I turned my head away to grab it in shame and the 16 year-old girl behind me started snapping at me about how she couldn't see. I asked her (in Italian, so proud) what she wanted me to do about it - use my superpowers to become invisible? She said just turn back how you were before. I mouthed the words maleducata and something that may have also rhymed with itch and looked up to see Andrea and his teacher staring at me talking, apparently, to myself. I looked back at her and saw that she was sitting. Well, get up, why don't you? I asked her. She said she didn't want to block the people behind her, who nodded in her support. I swear to you that I had been standing there since the show began, people were standing on either side of me, and little children, mostly, were sitting down on the floor in front of me. I spent the rest of the three hours in the cigarette scented, drafty, teenage make-out castle feeling that I had inadvertantly alienated many people. Oddly enough when one of the mothers vacated and I moved out of the way, the super rude girl thanked me kindly. I'm so tired just thinking about it.

This was the viewing arrangement behind me. I still don't get what happened.  . .
The MCs were aggressive in their weird encouragment of red and yellow voting patterns.


At the end, I wasn't sure why Andrea never acknowledged my existence. I decided to jump on stage and say good-bye to him and make sure his part was done. He actually saw me then for the first time, as it turns out, and seemed pleased that I had kept my word. That was what this night was all about after all.  It sure wasn't about me ever getting to dance or have satisfying human contact of any kind. While I was congratulating him for his fierce dancing, his real mother showed up. Sadly, I met the whole family in the parking lot moments later as F got stuck behind the train crossing and I had to wait out there alone in the parking lot with no coat for forty minutes. They sheepishly admitted that they thought it was weird that I was talking about Andrea to a lady they didn't know earlier, but they didn't remember exactly what I looked like either. Never again. I mean it this time.

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