Wednesday, November 19, 2014

I woke up like this!
So I'm sure you have a pair of embarrassing pajamas. Right? Am I the only one? It's humid and chilly here and so last night I put on a Uniqlo heat trapping camisole, a black long sleeved nightshirt, and these completely formless elephant pants that I wear underneath. Last night I had this awful nightmare that woke me up and I had to read to get back to sleep. When I woke up this morning, the house was empty. I drank some cold coffee that F had left for me probably an hour or so earlier and then the bell rang. I ignored it. But this guy was persistent. He probably rang twelve times. There is a note on our doorbell that says to leave packages with the restaurant next door for just this reason, but they are closed on Wednesday. I finally buzzed, hoping that the regular post lady would just throw the mail at the bottom of the stairs as she has started to do because I am often in a dishevelled state, if truth be known. Anyway, this was a new guy. He was um young-ish. Anyway, I peeped around the corner and saw him at the bottom of the stairs with his little pad and I asked if he could come back in five minutes. He said no. I asked if he could come back in two minutes. He said no. He said he would come up the stairs to my door. That doesn't help me, I said. Okay, give me five seconds. In those five seconds, I did not change out of my ugly pajamas or even splash water on my face. I literally just panicked for five seconds and then opened the door saying that I was sorry and that I had a cold. He looked at me and my makeup-less, tangled self with a face so full of pity that it would have broken your heart. Of course that made things worse. For me. But it was T's birthday present so I tried to tell myself it was worth it.

You would think that after that I would have gotten washed and dressed. But I didn't. I brushed my teeth and got back into bed. I had to read People magazine on-line in peace and check that I was up to date on Pinterest before moving on with my day. That is when the buzzer rang. I buzzed thinking that it was no good to hide because the delivery guy already knew that I was home. So dumb. It was a team of people in business attire with attache cases asking to come upstairs. They were being official in Italian. I didn't understand the part where they asked if I was the main name on the lease the first time so instead of saying that I didn't understand, I said that I didn't hear that part well. This seemed to piss the guy off and he asked when my husband would be back, stopped being polite and slammed the door. The well dressed woman that accompanied him seemed sympathetic after I explained that I was home with a cold. I am not home with a cold, mind you. I'm home with ugly pajamas and no make-up, but you know. I didn't think I would be appearing on C'e' Posta Per Te  this morning so . . . .

Wait. Back up. Let me add that when the buzzer rang the second time I was reading an article on Refinery29 called The World's 13 Most Embarrassing Sex Scenes. Don't judge.

Anyway, yesterday I decided that it was time to leave the house and go be social. This is something I do every four months where I chat with everyone I know who works in stores. This is half of the people I know so it takes a while, but I like to maintain relationships. F took my picture before I went out because I was feeling jaunty in my new jacket. And, yes, this is my attempt to make myself feel better for the ugly pajamas incident. . . Can I push the button for the emergency trapdoor, please?
You didn't think I was going to take an ugly pajama selfie, did you?

On the other hand, Maria de Filippi wore her ugly pajamas to work. She has really given up on this job, hasn't she? I mean she sits on the stairs with this horrendous posture for the entire show, which, granted, does go on for hours, but I mean there are hair and make-up people on staff. . . This shirt has actual artless paint smears all over it. This is what I wore for the first five months of T's life, but what is her excuse? That's it! I need a talk show.

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