Saturday, April 20, 2013

Pound the alarm
And I am not talking about Nicki Minaj. Although, I wish I were.

T called me from school because her site for the insulin pump fell out and she did not, for some horrible reason, have one in her bag. I was choreographing my class for tomorrow in my pajamas in a state of disarray with no idea where I had left my wallet. I got out of the house as fast as I could and called her on the way to ask her to meet me at the door. She said not to worry because she was with two of the bidelle upstairs. Then my phone battery died. When I got to the school door, after reinjuring my leg tendon by running on the cobblestones, the portinaia or door person had no idea who T was or where she was. I had a huge noisy fit in front of the parents who were waiting to have meeting with the teachers on the main floor. By the time I got to T, I was very upset and yelled at a bunch of kind, unorganized, people and got her sorted out. I limped home to finish preparing my class.

When I looked up at the clock I realized that I had four minutes to get to the train station to meet my female colleague who had promised to help me understand somethings at work. I sent her a text to say I would be ten minutes late. She called me in a hysterical state talking about ending things with her boyfriend. I will never ever ever never get into a car with her and her gigantic, barking dog ever again. I am lucky to be alive.

In one conversation she told me both that she hated and loved Lucca, that she hated and loved her boyfriend, that she was leaving and staying with said boyfriend, that she was leaving and staying in said Lucca, that she was going to tell our boss that she was moving to Rome and that she might not go. Good thing I chose the right person to clarify things for me.

At lunch she told me that at the full staff meeting which no one wanted me to come to, it was announced that my boss has now divided his job in three and he shares it with two of my female coworkers, one of whom is a swim instructor and one of whom is a trainer.  Neither of them ever have time even to say hello to me so I don't think this is going to affect my life in any way. Then she showed me a thick stack of papers she was given when she was hired; it was the exact same stack of papers that I was not given when I was hired. We made a photocopy of the few pages that describe the six profiles or areas that the gym and all of the courses are based on which are, strangely enough, in English: Balance, Move, Shape, Power, Sport, and Fun. They could not be more like zodiac profiles if they tried.

This week I was told that my category is Shape. Here is my translation in: "In the Shape profile are people who are interested prevalently with shape and have the objective of modeling their body for aesthetic purposes. In the profile, one can find both people who are always obsessed with their physical form and people who become concerned following a given event like giving birth or people who may also enter in the category Move. In the gym we have activities of cardiovascular training and refining of the body. Outside of the gym they pay a lot of attention to their diet and healthy life style. They are regularly at the club between meal times for up to three hours and they prefer balanced activities like cardio or spinning at an average intensity as individuals or in courses like pilates. They love clean, open spaces that are calm and luminous. The colors they appreciated are natural ones. At an atmospheric level they prefer loud, rhythmic music and in general environments that stimulate their heart beat."

Um, welcome to crazy town. Come to find out that balance people like new age music and soft lighting and relaxing colors like earth, cream and beige and natural materials like wood, glass, and water. Move people are more willing to try different activities and they also love big well lit spaces and pop music and they like having a person trainer. The power people are kind of pig headed and love pop music. The sport people come at lunch time because they eat power bars and their colors are silver, mercury and black which makes sense because they only listen to rock music. This is all starting to remind me of a tarot card reader I went to in Park Slope for kicks. The fun people like group activities and listening to their Ipods. Don't ask.

After lunch I stopped in the instructors' changing room and the other female instructors who were chatting had nothing to say to me. I asked how long the meeting Monday night would take if it starts at nine at night and they said I wouldn't get home probably before midnight, but one of them would give me a ride. Fun times.

Oh, and by the way, Nicolas stood me up again today. That is a record seven times. 

Imagine this in Italian!:

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