Saturday, February 16, 2013

Sexi Chair
This is going down as a super freaky day in my history book. Let me back up to last night when I saw that where the new fancy gym had put my course hours was a face book discussion. The curly haired teacher who was at the photo shoot for Fit and the City with me wrote: "There is just one little detail you overlooked. That is my class time . . ." Then of course a bunch of her distraught students wrote: "I hope they are not canceling our class to put in that new one." And the gym responded that they were not taking away anything, just adding. Obviously this was a conversation that could have taken place in person, but let the manipulations and back stabbing begin. 

The guest teacher and my new boss guy.

Just a little intimidating.
I didn't sleep at all last night because F and I have a little cold and we are both dehydrated. Unfortunately, this condition causes F to smack  his lips in his sleep like a non-stop lemonade commercial. I didn't sleep a wink. This morning I had to go and take the classes of the new guest teacher. She came from San Francisco and she was slated to teach six hours in a row for one day only at the fancy gym. It was one of those you are cordially invited affairs where it was pretty obvious that attendance was mandatory. The teacher looked nothing like her competition photo. She looked much friendlier and less intimidating than she did in the publicity shot. She did not speak Italian so I got to hang out with her by default. She said her family had worked with the circus in Russia. After I saw her do a head stand completely supported only by TRX cords suspended from the ceiling, I did not doubt that for one second. She was wearing a knee brace and she told me that two months after she won that competition featured in the photo she was hit by a car when she was crossing the street. I had been planning to try to pitch the Domacic method bioenergy healing to my new boss as a treatment modality for the gym so I told her I would treat her during the break between the third and fourth classes.

The pilates fusion class involved the use of a towel under your bare feet to slide into squats and bridges and push ups and sit up postitions. She was very professional and knew the material so that everything timed out perfectly. I loved how she kept saying where to put our "booty" and my coworkers kept translating that as just move yourselves down to the edge of the mat. They basically toned down every word out of her mouth and it was hilarious because I always translate my silly quips literally into Italian and they either scandalize everyone or make no sense, but this chick never had the chance because it was all lost in translation.

This is Kristina. I'm in the third row, hearing my neck make popping sounds.
The real excitement of the day was her sexi (spelled with an i) chair class. They got all the chairs from the cafe. It was a burlesque class and the routine was easy enough for someone with no memory for steps like me to pick up. I had a blast with that one.

If this long cool drink of water didn't have to do suspension class, neither did I.
Then they did the Suspension class and I was so relieved when the Zumba teacher from Uruguay bowed out after the first ten minutes because her elbow hurt. My elbow was killing me and I got out just in time before they started the one handed, one footed, upside down push ups otherwise known as a really stupid thing to do if you are not a professional or if you are me.

I managed to get F to come with my documents in the lunch pause. I sat at the table with Kristina and her friends and my new boss because if I learned one thing from the cafeteria at Columbia Grammar & Preparatory school, it is that no one is ever going to send you an engraved silver invitation to join them at their table. I know this because I spent years waiting for one and eating by myself, if you really want to know. Well, times have changed and so has my choice of country. My boss wasn't going to have my contract ready until he got the documents so he got the documents. He wasn't going to have me pitch the bioenergy either, but I got Kristina and her friend into his office just before she had to go teach dance fusion, god bless her, and treated her knee. I will do three more days at a distance and I hope it helps her a lot. She was very sweet really and it was a fair trade.

Tomorrow is my turn to teach. Please please, don't let me be alone. That would be so not sexi.

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