Saturday, December 01, 2012

The Staff Dinner, part due

If I could have a stiff drink now, I would. But given the fact that no one is due to arrive for another hour and a half, that I have an unbelievably sore throat, that F is still at work and T is still out gallivanting around town with Giorgia; it is probably not a good idea. I have done the kind of in-depth cleaning of the house that would survive a reality episode in which picky old ladies come to your house with white gloves to inspect your banisters. I used a q-tip to clean the rust out from between the shower doors, okay? All of which is pointless, because all my not too  sober colleagues will want to do is eat. I am really worried that after all is said and done it is just not enough food. The trays are looking really small. The pasta that we half cooked yesterday looks very dry and there is no more extra, extra sauce to douse it with. I have a feeling given the pointers Patrizia gave me in the car after work today, that this is not how she would have done it. F said not to start putting things in the oven until he gets home, but some people are going to drop by early to drop off the wine and I hope that they don't spy around the place and tell everybody that there is no buon profumo coming from my house and that maybe they should go out for pizza instead. Whilst cleaning manically, I have come to realize that we are out of water and trash bags, and this is going to be a long night.

On the other hand, isn't a bit of scotch just the thing for a sore throat?

The guys only now dropped off ten bottles of beer and one that is the size of a small elephant, plus four bottles of red and four prosecco. I guess they are going to be late to dinner.

There was way too much food. We can eat this stuff for like ten more years. The best part of the evening was that after I said that I imagined that we were all here to do an intervention for Laura --who is shy at the gym, but somehow the center of every staff gathering-- to convince her to teach popular dances since she knows every song and every move from the MTV videos. I added that all the girls want to learn from her. Some of the guys asked what exactly the girls wanted to learn from her. She said something and everyone burst out into hysterical laughter for twenty minutes. Finally, the one thing that made the whole night worth it was that she felt compelled to explain the joke to me and I found out what she said that all the girls wanted to learn from her. She came up to my ear and whispered it to me in English. This is what she said: Blowjobs. After that, I understood nothing.

It turns out F is a great actor, though. If I didn't personally know for sure he had no idea what was going on I would have thought he spoke Italian perfectly based on his body language. I had no idea what was going on either. At one point F and I turned to each other and I said, "I feel like everyone is talking underwater and we are in some weird Chicken of the Sea tuna fish commercial." I'm pretty sure he responded, "Glub, glub."  We were particularly intrigued and confused when out of nowhere, without a bottle spinning anywhere, various people on opposite sides of the room walked over to each other and started kissing. I thought, this is going to get interesting, but then it stopped as abruptly as it started. My supervisor took fourth helpings and a doggie bag which is a sign that the food was both good and abundant. We did have trash bags and almost no one drank any water anyway. So, all in all, I think that even though I still did not learn any gossip or in-jokes, I did learn that you have to keep an eye on the shy ones and that I am going to need someone to give me the subtitles and a very slow talking to in the weeks to come if I even want to come close to understanding what went down tonight. I hope only that they all make it home alive. I canceled my personal training client for tomorrow and I apologize in advance to T's art professor.

In the course of this day I managed to re-sprain the arch of my foot and my wrist and break-out even worse on my chin. In the morning I will have to pack most of my extremities in ice. I am thinking about spending the rest of the weekend under my bed.

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